I've known for years I drink something like CAD$3500 per year. Started out around 21 drinking approximately 4 per night. Within a year it was 6, but it remained at 6 for probably 5 or 6 years. Then it gradually rose to 8 or 9. I'll be 34 this year. Originally beer cost something like CAD$29 for 24 bottles (bottles are cheaper than cans here). Now the same beer has risen to CAD$37. For a short while I was also drinking "premium" Budweiser instead of "cheap" Carling, which was probably easily $5 more. There were also a few months in the mix where I quit entirely. Alas, it gets messy modelling this semi-accurately.

Generally speaking I estimate I spend approximately CAD$3500 per year on beer alone. I rarely drink anything else, but probably spend about CAD$200 per year on scotch. These days I also spend approximately CAD$2000 per year on cannabis and accessories. That means in my lifetime I've spent somewhere between CAD$35000 and CAD$50000 on beer, probably CAD$1200 on scotch, and something like CAD$2500 on cannabis and accessories. It adds up for sure.

Of course, these dollars were not being entirely burned. Alcohol helped me to cope and get by. Without it I may have never gotten to where I am today. If I had gotten mental health care when I was 17 or 12 instead of 33 then things could be vastly different, of course. However, that was not open to me at the time, and it's too late to worry about that. What's done is done. Alcohol continues to be a useful tool for self-medicating. Unfortunately, I also have a weak chemical dependence on it. We'll see if this clinic and my doctor can help me to kick the habit.

I recall the last time I went for a month or more without drinking and I felt great. It really is worth it in the end, but it doesn't come easily, and that's not just because of the addiction. That's because alcohol works (even my doctor said that). Whereas cigarettes never really do anything good for you other than satisfy your craving and silence the withdrawal (and possibly aid in forming social bonds with strangers with the same habit), alcohol actually does numb pain or anxiety on top of getting your "fix". Being that the liver is a magical organ that can regrow itself given a chance it does seem like an ideal organ to abuse out of all of the applicable options.

Of course, the main hurdle for quitting drinking is society. Alcohol is socially accepted and embraced. Everybody drinks. Friends. Family. Police. Doctors. When I expressed concerns about my drinking to ER doctors on two separate occasions I was told, "This is <lame city or district>. Everybody drinks." And I was dismissed. My parents drink. My brother drinks (and smokes). I pretty much cannot enjoy their company without being in the presence of alcohol.

What I want is for us to try to fix this for future generations. Alcohol is a very dangerous drug, closer in severity to heroin. We also know that cigarettes are also extremely dangerous, and even less practical. Coca-Cola is just as bad. If we want to set our future generations up to succeed we should stop tempting them with these harmful vices. It will take a long time to overcome, but if we start changing attitudes towards these things then we can hope to virtually eliminate them after a few generations. Kids listen. I did. They taught us that smoking is addictive and dangerous, and I was never even tempted to try it.

It won't work if we just tell them no. We need to also remove the need. We smoke and drink to manage stresses in our lives. To manage mental health ailments. If instead everybody received mandatory counseling then we could manage these things in more healthy ways. We could identify mental illnesses or chemical imbalanced at an early age and come up with a strategy to improve things under the supervision of a healthcare professional. We could set future generations up to succeed in ways that we could never dream of.

There will be resistance from existing users. That's fine. We can work through those problems. Existing habitual users will need medication, therapy, and education. We can do it.

jesus christ. ignore the addiction for a moment. imagine what you can buy with $3500 CAD (2500 USD) a year extra sitting in your pocket. An 85" 4K TV?

Just kidding. You'd still have $500 left over.

https://www.bestbuy.com/site/samsung-85-8-series-4k-uhd-tv-smart-led-with-hdr/6401715.p?skuId=6401715

Also this is real:

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If you want just the nicotine try patches. Or maybe the gum.

Yes and no.

For me, having a cigarette was more than just a way to get nicotine. It was also a reason, when I was around others, to stop whatever I was doing and be alone outside for a few minutes and let my anxiety levels subside. Watching the exhalation is also quite soothing (smoking in the dark isn't very satisfying).

I tried giving up using nicotine patches and gum and they didn't provide the psychological relief that cigarettes did. That's why I tried vaping instead, and it's close enough to do the trick. I've been gradually reducing the nicotine levels over time and am about ready to go to 0mg liquid.

In an ideal world, I'd prefer not to vape either, but with what it provides in reducing anxiety levels (which still get high even with medication and loads of therapy), there's more benefit than risk.

Most people aren't content with their addictions, or if they are, then their addiction hasn't kicked them in the teeth yet. Giving up addictions isn't easy though.

I never said it was.

Your camera is clearly drunk.

Because it's very hard to overcome addictions. Shouldn't need to be stated.

That's obvious, but stating it after the fact doesn't help anyone.

Nobody--or at least I'm not--is judging. But if an ex-heroin addict was telling you "don't do heroin." You wouldn't be like "omg, you did heroin, how can you judge me for wanting to try it?"

I started writing my own response to say the same thing, but got distracted.

Here it goes:

For a lot of people who have problems with drug (and by this I also mean alcohol) abuse, it isn't about having fun, it's about coping with life and dealing with pain.

For me, it started when I went to university. I'd walk into a lecture theatre, see all the strangers sitting there and walk right out again. At that time I knew nothing about anxiety and depression and thought that being autistic meant that you were like the Rain Man. I didn't know why I couldn't stay in lecture theatres and had no clue that it was something you could get help for.

I soon discovered though that if I got stoned or half drunk first though, I could sit through a lecture, so I started doing that all the time. But while I was able to sit through a lecture, I was in no state to learn anything like that so I started failing all my non computer science and math courses, which in turn made it even harder to show up so I started drinking and smoking pot even more.

I kept telling myself it was just laziness that was keeping me away from lectures and that if I tried harder the next year, I'd be able to do it then. But still I had no clue as to what the issue was so I got no help for it and things didn't get better. Instead, all the alcohol made the depression and anxiety worse, which in turn made me do more drugs.

I pretty much continued on that cycle for another six years before someone pointed me towards where to get help. I got diagnosed with autism, depression and severe anxiety disorder, and spent another year and a half pretty much isolated getting treatment and learning coping mechanisms.

The only problem with applying the tools you learn in therapy is that they require rational thought to be of any use, and like many autistic people, my emotional responses to events can be extreme. Especially negative emotions. To quote Bruce Banner - "don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry." And like his green alter-ego, I don't jut get angry, I rage. And it gets combined with almost supernatural strength and a need to just destroy everything around me. I've demolished walls and ripped apart steel computer cases all with my bare hands. All with no recollection afterwards of what happened. And sadness becomes a bottomless hole of depression that nothing can touch. Nothing can make it stop until I drink myself into unconsciousness or take enough pills to make everything go away.

I've had to learn the hard way that I can't have close relationships with people because I'm not emotionally capable of dealing with the consequences of them going wrong. It's almost been fatal on several occasions.

Things seem to be better now. I've resigned myself to being alone, and that I can cope with. The anxiety and depression has not gone away and it never will. But I'm pretty confident that so long as I isolate myself away from things that van trigger overemotional responses, I should be safe. Time will tell.

I got a dog. Her name is Sprite. You know, after draw_sprite (joking, kind of, not really, she's named Sprite because of sprites in video games/old graphics hardware).

This is her harassing me while I'm working from home:

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She's just adorable.

...

re: medications... Unfortunately don't expect the first prescribed med to work. For me, for example, it took like 3 antipsychotic meds to settle on one that worked. And gosh knows how many antidepressants. Even then, Wellbutrin (the antidepressant I'm on) aggravates my anxiety so I have anti-anxiety meds if that gets too bad... Anyway, it worked out in the end. You just gotta stick with it.

Also don't stop taking your meds. Bad things happen if you do.

That's a great photo, Erin (of both of you). What breed is it?

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I can't remember if I've announced it here, but back in January my wife got us a puppy too. I was sort of set up... We went to a hockey game where they were going to be showing two puppies available for adoption during intermission. My wife got excited about them, and asked if we could apply. My understanding was that we'd be put on a list, and owners would be chosen from this list... I made the mistake in concluding that there would be plenty of other people interested and we were unlikely to be chosen so I agreed to apply. Lo and behold apparently we were the only "suckers" that did. I almost got away with it anyway because there is another person in my city with the same first and last name who has apparently been blacklisted by the animal shelter, and when they saw our application they assumed I was him. When they started giving us the run-around though my wife called to figure out what was going on and cleared it up... So now I have a dog (and one more responsibility, and one more stressor).

His name is Watson. We're told it's a Golden Retriever Rottweiler mix. We have a DNA kit to test it, but we hesitated and then this COVID-19 thing hit and we figured the labs that do that testing probably have better things to do.

He's about 5 months old now. We got him when he was about 8 weeks old or something like that. It has been an "adventure". Good and bad. He's mid-teething phase now so chewing is a problem, and he's high energy so it's hard to drain that every day. That said, he's proving to be pretty smart too, and we're already seeing a more calm side present itself at times. When he's "good" it's wonderful, but when he's full of energy he's an uncontrollable demon. I do love having him, though there are certainly times that I've regretted it as well.

Regarding musical chairs with medicine that's not the first anecdote I have heard about it. That will be tough because I'm experiencing some pretty horrible days right now, but I also don't have much choice because it's so severe that I cannot live like that. I'll have to just stick with whatever works, and if nothing does I'm at the mercy of my healthcare practitioners and brain chemistry.

I have read a few times now that abruptly stopping the dose can have severe effects. Which is terrifying for me because I'm not very disciplined/reliable, and I can pretty easily see myself forgetting to take it for days at a time. I have an alarm set on my phone to remind me, but it's an optimistic alarm before I'm currently waking up. Sleep has been more difficult lately, though I have been better than the full week of insomnia I experienced a few weeks back. Today was my first dose, but this morning I snoozed the alarm and tried to go back to bed.

I did eventually take the medicine. I eventually just took it without food because my stomach was upset from anxiety all morning, and wasn't letting up, and I concluded that if I'm already nauseous then I guess there's no harm in trying. Fortunately I was able to hold on. My stomach was still turning when we ate supper around 5:30, but I've been drinking since about 6 and it hasn't impacted that any so I guess I survived my first dose...

With regards to drinking my doctor suggested I not stop suddenly because the withdrawal symptoms can potentially be dangerous. Before taking my first sip I tried to research it online too, and got some very mixed results, so I ended up calling my pharmacist for some professional advice. Generally speaking the pharmacist concurred that drinking is not recommended, but she ultimately concluded it was unlikely to be fatal, and that the risks of quitting alcohol cold-turkey may be more severe.

I am drinking beer, but I'm trying to limit my intake each day to be a little less to slowly ween myself off of it. I'm going to try to quit drinking for a month or so to start and see how I feel and how I'm coping with everything. Surely that will make it easier to understand what effects the medicine is having anyway, and if I can do it I'll likely feel better anyway. Whether I can continue not drinking beyond a month remains to be seen. In a way COVID-19 isolation could help with that because I won't be around other alcoholics very frequently, but if isolation ends shortly that advantage will be lost.

My doctor did mention drugs to help alleviate withdrawal symptoms from alcohol, but he didn't want to put me on multiple meds at once so he said to start with the antidepressant and we'll assess something for alcohol in the future if necessary.

As for cannabis I'm not sure what to do. For tonight I'm going to try to abstain and see how it goes. It seems that cannabis doesn't really work daily anyway so I might get better use out of it if I can make it a less frequent thing. If I can't sleep tonight though I might use a little. We'll have to see I guess.

Append:

Today I also experienced some chills which was odd, even before I took my pill. I thought maybe I had a fever and tested it a few times throughout the day. No fever yet, though my temperature was rising throughout the day. I have no other symptoms that would hint at COVID-19 so I don't think that is the culprit.

Then this evening I realized that I was sweating excessively. The climate is rather comfortable right now so it didn't make sense. It felt like alcohol withdrawal, but it set in early evening and I was even drinking at the time. I googled and sure enough sweating is a pretty common side-effect of the medication that I'm taking. That's going to be fucking brutal because I already sweat at night... Sweating all day and night will make sleeping difficult, and probably make focusing difficult. Let alone when the COVID-19 thing clears up and I have to go back to working in the office...